July 23, 2017

Approach Anxiety? 4 Tips on how to approach with Confidence

One thing I think helped me when I first discovered the pickup artist scene was that I had a background in speech and debate from high school.  I did forensics in high school and college, Extemporaneous speech, Original Oratory and Impromptu.  By my Senior year of high school I would get a make out with a woman at almost every tournament.  Why, part of the reason was because speaking was helping get me into a very useful state.  For those of you who have experience performing before an audience, as a musician, public speaker or as an actor, know that you have a powerful resource state that is readily transferable to picking up women.  And even if you don’t have experience performing in public before an audience, read on because there is something that everyone can gain here.

1) Accept that it’s ok to feel nervous.

First off, accept that some degree of nervousness, fear of the unknown is a valid way to feel. It’s normal, it’s not a problem or weakness in who you are, it’s just what you are feeling in the moment.  The first key toward changing your state of mind and your results is to accept where you are at without judging yourself.

I encourage you to watch your language, calling normal nervousness or fear of the unknown, “approach anxiety” gives power to an unproductive state of mind. This is not a pathological condition, it is a state of mind that you can control when you know what to do or how to interpret it.  Perhaps the nervous energy is really nervous excitement, but you don’t know quite what to do with it.

2) What meaning are you giving to the situation?

Is the prospect of approaching an attractive woman an opportunity to find out who she is as a person? Or are you putting a woman on a pedestal based on her physical attractiveness, such that she is an authority on how worthy or desirable you are as a person? Obviously you would feel less nervous if your attitude was one of curiosity, great let’s find out what this woman is like, rather than feeling that you somehow have something to prove with her.

3) What limiting beliefs about yourself are holding you back?

For you to get past feeling nervous in certain situations, a huge part of your success is going to come from identifying and changing any limiting beliefs that you may have. Do you belief you are good enough? Do you belief that you have something of value to offer her, rather than just taking? Remember you want to be a giver of emotional value, you want to be fun, interesting, masculine and sexual. If you have been successful in other areas of your life, performing in public, approaching and talking to people, etc. I am willing to bet that at some level you had a belief to the effect of, I’m good and people are going to like this. Even if not everyone likes what I have to say, it’s still good, or you win some you lose some, no big deal.

As an exercise identify what your beliefs were in that situation that make you able to give a public speech with confidence and comfort.  What are your beliefs when it comes to approaching women?  What if you were to have similar beliefs, that what you have to say is valuable, that it doesn’t really matter too much if she responds to your approach or not.

4) Rehearse success: Transfer confidence in one area of your life to another

If you are confident and capable in one area of life, you know that the next time you do something you are good at that you will be successful. Or maybe you don’t, but the prospect of temporary setback doesn’t bother you as much. What you may not have considered is that your success in one area of your life can also be used as a resource state of mind that can be transferred to other situations including meeting women, here’s how.

The next time you approach a woman I invite you to discover what it would be like if you were to vividly remember a time when you were confident and self-assured talking to others. This could be giving a public performance where you felt confident and powerful or it could be a time when you were talking and socializing with others. Vividly visualize. See what you would see, hear what you heard, feel what you would feel. Notice how your audience responds to you and how that makes you feel. Now, as you image that, notice what would happen if you were to substitute a woman that you want to approach into the picture. Visualize her responding to you in the way that you would like. At the same time you notice the woman in the picture, maintain the beliefs and feelings that you have when you give a speech. Now, as you prepare to approach a woman accept that you do not know what is going to happen, but that no matter what you are ok with whatever happens, because your value as a person and in what you have to say is based on your own beliefs and not her response.

As an added bonus you might do this exercise on your own before going out and then anchor the state of mind by squeezing your thumb and forefinger together. You can also trigger the anchor right before approaching by briefly imaging that you are giving a speech and say something to yourself like, “this is just like giving a _______”

If you would like to learn more about this topic and my coaching programs email me at michael@becomethatguy.com

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