“Glance at what you might have to lose, but focus on what you want to win.”
This quote by the U.S. General George Patton during World War II was a response to his take on the British General Montgomery. Montgomery was so afraid to lose that he did not take the steps necessary to win.
Always remember this as part of your philosophy. Why? If you focus on what you want to want to gain, instead of what you stand to lose, it sets up a more effective attitude and perspective. Instead of “losing” someone or getting “rejected” instead you came across a woman that didn’t respond to your approach. There is always another woman out there that is looking for what you are looking for.
Some of my clients have expressed the belief that are worried about being too bold in their behavior towards women, or they have talked to a woman for 5 – 10 minutes in a bar and then gotten a phone number, meanwhile she is still there at the same place while other guys are talking to her. Or they keep talking but are afraid to be more playful and direct about their sexual intent because they are afraid to “lose” what they have already gotten.
But what have you really gotten after a brief conversation in a bar or anywhere else you happen to meet someone ? Have you developed casual comfort and enjoyment where she could say, “yeah, he’s kind of nice.” Or have you presented yourself in such a way that she has feelings of curiosity, intrigue or lust that make her dying to see you again? Pretending to be just friendly when you really want to get to know her romantically is not going to get you there romantically and you probably aren’t going to end up as just friends either.
Also what are you afraid of losing? Is it sexual attraction to you or is it that she “likes” you and generally thinks of you as a pleasant person? As you are probably well aware, being likeable is NOT the same thing as being attractive to a woman. A large part of what makes you attractive to a woman is an attitude where you are acting in such a way that you are confident and sure that you can get what you want. Another large part is that you go for what you want without worrying if you are good enough or not.
However if you are too concerned with being “liked” as a friend when what you really want is a sexual relationship, it is likely that you will end up frustrated. Ironically the same woman who you wanted to think was “nice” thinks of you as just another guy who was attracted to her but afraid to really go for it.
In my experience when I was direct about what I wanted, whether it was a longer-term relationship or just to hook up and not jump into a committed relationship – not all women were always on the same page with me, but I remained on friendly terms with most of the other ones I met. Some women even passed me along to their friends who weren’t looking for a serious relationship. There was no significant downside to being direct, instead it actually built some trust and respect. Other times I met someone towards the end of the night who went home with me, only to have some poor guys trying to call her when it was too late!
Therefore always keep your focus on what you want knowing that if things don’t work out, it was simply because she was not on the same page with you.