March 23, 2018

Handle the friend interrupt before the friend interrupt handles you

Perhaps this has happened to you. If it hasn’t happened yet, trust me, it will. You meet a woman and things are going very nicely until a friend interrupts and screws everything up.

For example: one night I met a really cute blonde at a bar in Adams Morgan. Things were going great, so I kept escalating rapidly. I was just about to take her home when her friends showed up and physically dragged her out of the bar and put her in a cab home. It happened so fast I couldn’t come up with an effective response.

What could I have done differently and what can you do to prevent that from happening to you?

  • Some would argue that you should not physically escalate unless you are already in a place where you can take things physical. I don’t always agree with this, but it is worth considering.
  • Use wingmen to occupy the friends so that they can’t possibly interfere. However, that assumes that her “friends” are going to get in the way. It also makes work for your wingmen, who may not want to or be able to keep the friends occupied.
  • You could attempt to win over the friends so that they like you. However this assumes that A) the friends need to be won over for the woman to like you and B) that you can win them over.

Let’s examine a few reasons why a woman’s friends would try to pull her away. Some reasons appear to be because the friends are looking out for the woman’s best interests and others are because of the friend’s own agenda, while still other interruptions are not really a problem to be concerned about.

First, a few interruptions to not worry about:

  • Her friend is checking in to see how she is doing, to confirm that you are at least a halfway decent guy, and to give her a graceful way to leave the conversation.
  • The friend stopping by to give news that she or some other friends are leaving, but not because she is trying to pull you guys apart. There are several options for you, but the interruption is not necessarily a problem. She may invite you to go with, or decline her friends and stay with you.

These interruptions could be a problem:

  • The friend could be concerned that your woman is going to do something she will regret later.  This has nothing to do with you. Rather, the friend is concerned for your woman’s best interests.
  • The friend(s) may be jealous. If this is the case you have a situation that can work to your advantage. If the women know each other well, this has probably happened before. So try to engage the friends, or have your wingmen engage the friends while you focus on the woman. A woman that is sufficiently interested will get mad at her friends for trying to get in the way. She will also continue to pay attention to you. If you get a moment to talk, you could always jokingly say something like “do they always act this way?” Or even something like “do your friends ever get jealous that you get all of the attention?”
  • The woman is sending signals to her friend that she wants to be pulled away, but you are missing them. Obviously if this is the case there is not much you can do. Learn to read her body language and make sure she is having a good time. As you get better at doing this won’t happen too often.
  • The friend thinks you’re a “player.” Notice I said the friend and not your woman. In this scenario the friend is attempting to be protective or impose her values.

Now that we’ve discussed these possible scenarios, let’s talk about ways to handle common resistance and interrupts before they happen. Here are a few ways:

1) Get her to ratify the experience. Have her tell you she is having a good time as the two of you interact. You can do this by casually asking her if she is having a good time, particularly at a time when it is obvious that she is. When she says to you that she is having a good time, it ratifies the experience, or make it more real to her.

“I know at some point your friends are going to come over to check on you. When they do, just tell them you are just fine and having a good time”. Nod your head yes as you say this. You can say this sincerely or you can say it in a cocky funny way. If so, she might have a witty comeback. But if she likes you, rest assured the message will get laughed in.

2) Bring it up in the context of a story. Use that to suggest ways for her to deal with interruptions. For example “I was talking to a female friend of mine the other day. She was describing the buddy system that women have to make sure that no one is left behind. She also told me that sometimes women have signals they can use if they want to be left alone. Do you and your friends do that?” As she starts talking she will inevitably think about her friends attempting to interrupt. You might also talk about the ways women jealously interrupt people when they aren’t getting enough attention.

3) Still another way to handle it is to use it to establish the frame of the interaction. You want her to uphold a standard for how you like women to act. For example “I like a strong woman who isn’t afraid to go for what she wants, in spite of what others may think”. This is ambiguous and relates to many areas of life, but it is something she will want to demonstrate. One way for her to demonstrate that she is a strong woman is to stay with you even if her friends don’t want her to.

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