It’s a game of give and take – give someone the opportunity to give so they can get to like you
Perhaps you have heard the song “You Can’t Hurry Love” originally by The Supremes. “It’s a game of give and take.” I wondered.
A dilemma in dating and in life is that often people find themselves in imbalanced relationships. They think they can get what they want by doing things for someone. It stands to reason that the more nice things you do for someone the more they will like you. However in Influence: The Science of Persuasion Robert Cialdini says that in order to get someone to like you, you must first get them to do something for you.
That is not to say that you should make them do things for you or attempt to take without giving in return. However know that what a person.
Here are a couple realizations I have had based on my experiences about balance in relationships.
1) People feel good by being able to do something for other people if they feel that they can freely do it. This is also where people develop their feelings for someone, it is in the doing that they feel good.
2) How you feel toward someone is going to come across more in your actions rather than your words. If you aren’t clear about how you feel about someone look for clues based on the history of your actions toward them.
3) Receiving value from someone sets up a cycle of reciprocity where they want to give back to you and you want to give back to them. This is the foundation for almost any relationship.
4) Many people feel guilty, even resentful if they feel that others are giving more to them than they can give back in return. This appears to be true to some extent with most people, however it is more pronounced if someone does feel like giving back to the other person or in people who lack a strong sense of self-worth and recognize the value that they contribute to others.
5) Look for a person who is a good receiver and expects good things to happen to be the best giver over time. If a person gives with the need of getting something in return then they will also.