This article comes from an answer to a question I got from one of my coaching clients requesting a road map on how to pickup a woman on the dance floor and lead her toward being with you. Here is my response, also some of the same moves are demonstrated in my story: The Redhead Model who turned into a Long Term Relationship.
Dancing has been a way for men and women to meet and build sexual attraction since the dawn of time. Reasons include that it is a great way for people to develop non-verbal rapport by matching and mirroring body movements. You can actively pace her body movements, facial expressions and even breathing and then lead her to follow you, until the two of you have a feeling of “oneness” and comfort with each other. This is a great way for people to build feelings of comfort and familiarity without having to talk to each other first.
That is why single people all over the world over thousands of years have included dancing as one of their chief social activities. The difference is that by having a clear understanding of why dancing is effective and what elements are necessary for it to be effective, you can more tightly focus your efforts toward meeting someone and building sexual attraction. Rather than just dancing for its own sake and hoping something good will happen by accident. The good news is that you do NOT have to know how to dance well.
Why dancing? What does it accomplish?
For the purpose of meeting women, dancing is a great way to:
• Demonstrate attractive qualities, personality and confidence in that you are willing to approach.
• An easy opening to initiate physical touch, by holding her firmly by the hips, massaging her, kissing her etc.
• Physically lead her/ get her used to following your lead.
• Demonstrate sexual dominance and skill at getting her turned on.
• At the same time you also need to effectively control your own energy by keeping it neutral or less sexual than hers until the time is right to lead with your own state. Stated another way, focus on leading and building her sexual state and refrain from using the experience as sexual gratification for you.
A sequence: Step by step (almost)
Here is a sequence that I have used before to keep myself on track and escalate and close as powerfully and efficiently as possible.
1) Attitude first, energy contained using visualizations – You want to have the attitude and determination that is unapologetically direct and focused on the end game. However at the same time you want to have your energy shielded, you need to give her the space to build her own state. Over time this will start to become automatic as part of your conditioning without any conscious means of state control necessary. Until then some state building work is in order which can be gained using various resources my students are familiar with …
2) Look for women that are already high energy, see if you can catch eye contact on your way toward her. If you can’t that is ok too.
3) Powerfully capture her attention – open, high energy verbal , social or situational OR just start matching and mirroring her movements, possibly exaggerate and at a higher energy level than her own. If you can’t dance well, be high energy and fun.
4) Rapport – Match and mirror facial expressions, body movements, anything that she gives you. You can also use some higher level non-verbal rapport techniques like the “golden bubble” or “stepping into her.”
5) Screen with your behavior – Make sure your intent is clearly communicated to her starting as soon as you meet her. This includes physical touch right from the beginning of the interaction that clearly communicates your sexual intent – you can start with more public areas and then move to progressively more intimate areas, but ideally you want to be very bold and dominant. A woman that is already attracted to you and ready to go home with you that night will respond if you back it up with a solid, dominant frame. Weakness will lead to resistance and doubt from her.
6) You can use physical touch that is intrusive and intimate but not as sexually dominant, caresses, stroking her hair, rubbing noses, massaging her back, smelling her neck and mixing it with more dominant physical contact.
7) Sexually dominant aggressive contact/ grinding – within 5 minutes get to the point where you are grinding against her, pressing the front of your leg right between her legs against her body. The point is to get her turned on by demonstrating that you would be a good sexual partner, by being powerfully dominant and using some rhythm, up and down, in circles, whatever you want. And then keep going until you hit resistance, or you might not hit any resistance at all.
8) You can also escalate by kissing her neck and ears, pulling her hair, slapping her ass, putting her hands above her head against a wall, and then going in for the make out. The key is intensity, you must be in your body and in your bubble, your state with her.
9) Alternate between advancing and retreating quickly or fractionating. Escalate the sexual attraction through body to body moves, kissing etc., until she is really turned on, and then back off, then move in again without leaving much time for a breather. Backing off and then going in again, allows you to preempt resistance while also building the tension more powerfully because each time you back off, you can go in further. Think of it as a non-verbal equivalent of the push and pull of conversation or the dance equivalent of together/ apart.
10) Build the tension and be dominant but allow for her to actively participate in seducing you just you are seducing her. Ways to do this include frame setting language where you frame her as the sexual aggressor by saying things like “I like you but no sex tonight” or “let’s go someplace more private, but no funny business.”
11) Find out what the logistics are to see if you can take her home the first night, if that is what you want – Is she there with friends? If so, is it all women, is she the 3rd wheel with a couple (ideal, but uncommon)? Is she the one driving them home or not? Note: If you started off by talking to her you should get to know her logistics before using dance/ physical moves to really amp up the sexual tension to a really high degree.
12) Test close – This is critically important and absolutely necessary. Examples include “Let’s go someplace more quiet, more private” OR a favorite of mine, “hey, I’m hungry, let’s go get something to eat” or “I’m hungry, I’m going, but you’re welcome to come with me.” Say this in a matter of fact way that is neutral, non-needy, non-aggressive. I would recommend this anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes after you have started to sexually escalate the interaction. You can also add in a false disqualifier like “no sex” or as long as you don’t try anything. This of course is in contrast to the powerfully aggressive, physical approach you have used to rapidly demonstrate tension. Then begin to lead her by the hand to someplace else, either within the venue or back to your house.
If she is not ready to go yet, you can back off, and cycle through the process again. Wait another 15 minutes or so until buying temperature is up and if she says no a 2nd time, move on to the next one, or bounce her someplace else in the venue knowing that things are less likely to happen that night without a more conversational approach, i.e. some brief comfort building and/or language patterns and routines.
The test close is crucial because I can read where she is at and then build more comfort as well as bring any possible objections up to the surface where we can discuss them. You also get the chance for her to make an active choice at a moment when your intent is clear. This taps into the principle of commitment and consistency, she is more likely to continue the interaction with you if she actively affirms for herself that this is something she wants to do.
At this point I have found that saying something like “let’s just relax and be comfortable, no pressure,” is enough to handle that objection. Then we just start making out and petting each other again. Or sometimes the test close is the close because she verbally agrees to go home with me and then we just need to arrange the logistics.
Note that any possible resistance and lack of comfort with you or the situation is handled while we are still at the bar rather than waiting until we are alone. By being very powerfully sexual and dominant you screen out most women that are not looking to go home with you that night. Also by being this aggressive this fast, you have the option to bail and find other women that are looking to be with you that night. You also reduce or almost eliminate the chance that you will be disappointed because she changes her mind at the last minute when you are alone with her at your place or hers.
A couple other notes:
• This will not work on all women, part of this process is screening for the women that are already open to this approach, comfortable with themselves and with having sex on the first night. However you would be surprised how many women are open to this in a dance floor environment.
• The aggressive direct approach becomes a way to screen and qualify for what you are looking for, however a powerful enough lead will overcome much resistance. Once she has accepted your strongly sexual intent, and has become powerfully turned on, the game changes, at least as long as she is still in a state of high arousal toward you.
• Backing her up against a wall is a great way to escalate the physical interaction and demonstrate sexual dominance.
• Non-linear escalation is great: You can go from more sexually dominant, to less dominant/ more sensual, and go back and forth between styles. The key is to mix it up and not be boring or overly predictable.
• Be in the moment, your mind should not be thinking about other things other than the power of your lead, where is she at, and where are you leading her next
• Do not wait until the end of the night to move to take her home. Attempt to pull as soon as she is ready to go, often as soon as 20 minutes after meeting her, to as much as an hour. If you know that closing time is approaching, move to make sure you have her out of there at least 15 minutes before last call when the lights come on if at all possible. You want to lead, rather than allow external circumstances beyond your control to dictate your outcome.
• You can’t always tell by appearances who will respond for this and who won’t. I have had great success with women that were very intelligent, some that were introverted and not that emotionally expressive, many that looked relatively innocent or normal, not dressed too slutty.
• Over time you will get better and better at identifying the women that are interested in going home with you very soon after meeting you, or even from first sight, and the amount of time you spend will become less and less. You will start to realize when you can just cut the interaction short and take her home.