May 27, 2018

Be Honest, what do you want? – What are your options with women?

As a single guy active in the dating scene I have learned over the years that there are many options to traditional dating and oftentimes what passes for conventional wisdom just doesn’t work at all.  However as a coach I often see men struggle to pick between what they want to do and what they think they “should” do or “should” want and what they really want.

Here is how it often shakes down

  • Sometimes a man is primarily looking for sex
  • Sometimes he is looking for more of a relationship
  • Sometimes he is looking for sex but open to the possibility of a relationship.

So before you go out and meet women, be honest with yourself and then be honest with her.  You may not always be looking for the same things as a woman that you are physically attracted to, however by being honest you are more likely to end up with women looking for the same things that you are. Whether it is a longer-term relationship or primarily sex. With that in mind here are some possibilities.

  • Be friendly in a strictly platonic way and delay expressing your interest in a woman sexually hoping that she will like you after you have become friends. This works in the movies and sometimes it eventually works once a woman is ready to settle down and get married. However it is more likely that you will just get stuck in the “friend zone” or as a friendly acquaintance.
  • “One night stand,” where you meet and have sex the same day or night that you meet.  However just because it starts with sex, it doesn’t mean that there is no possibility of a relationship developing.  Having spoken with thousands of men and women and couples over the years. I think more monogamous relationships start this way than most people are willing to admit. This is because people are afraid of being judged and because of a commonly stated belief in our society that healthy relationships can’t start this way.     It also stems from how your beliefs about sex and a person’s willingness to have it.  Does having sex almost as soon as you meet someone mean that the other person is less valuable as a person?  Or is it just what happened in the moment when two people really click on many different levels?
  • “No Strings Attached,” Friends with benefits or multiple long term relationships, or what some just call dating but both parties are still seeing other people and have not agreed to exclusively see just each other. However this arrangement does not often continue for an extended period of time with each person feeling the same way.
  • Longer term relationships that are sexually exclusive, boyfriend/ girlfriend, something that could lead to marriage.  Interestingly enough this type of relationship can grow out of hooking up for sex the first time you meet someone.   Of course developing a long term relationship requires much more than sexual chemistry.  A person’s age, life goals, values, communication style and expectations of a relationship all come into play at this point.  However sex very soon after you meet someone doesn’t have to disqualify the possibility that it can develop into a longer term relationship unless you let it.  It should also be noted that plenty of relationships and marriages where they delayed having sex ended up not working out because of differences in sex drives or a lack of sexual chemistry.

So there are a few options. Before you go out looking for women, it is a very good idea to get in touch with what you want for yourself, not what you think you should want based on what other people think, or what society tells you that you should want. What are your expectations when it comes to women, sex and relationships? Do you really just want a one night stand or are you hoping for more?  This helps you to be clear about your intent which will telegraph different signals to women and affect how they respond to you.  If you are the relationship guy she may not want to sleep with you the first night.  And if you are clearly the one night stand kind of guy she may not want to stick around to go for a relationship.

Where are you in your life as it relates to women? What it is you want out of your experiences with women? These questions can be harder than you might think. Knowing what you want requires self awareness and a willingness to be truthful with yourself. Even if it goes against what you think things “should” be, you must be honest with yourself.

Many of my clients have thought they should want a relationship. After all, they said, that is what a “nice”, “respectable” guy should do. However, after some questioning, they admitted that they really just wanted to have sex.  Nonetheless, they would feel guilty about their desires. Perhaps you want to have multiple relationships, or multiple sex partners, but you are struggling with your own beliefs about whether it is right or not.

Conversely a person might think they  just want sex, when they actually want a relationship if they meet the right person.  Sometimes you just don’t know until you learn from experience that this is what you want.

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